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ok, So here's the deal. Grandad's having neurosurgery, they'll be taking a bit of bone, attatching it as a shield between the bulk of the tumour and his spine to take the pressure off various nerves which aren't working because if the size of the tumour. i.e. the ability to use his legs, and the fact he's become incontinent.
I'm scared. The last time he had an op was when they removed the cancerous mass of bowel. that nearlly killed him, and he was in much better shape then. I've known for a long time that it's only 25% chance that he'll survive this, but now, this op's a new thing. he's signed the forms and everything. Most of my happy memories as a child contan him. he's MY grandad. The man that fed my interest in graveyards by taking me to the holy ghost. the man whose pint of beer i used to swig out of when we were at the pub, i always thought he wasn't watching. he was.
I keep thinking about nan alone in the bungalow. without her husband next to her. all alone at night, no one to snore at her. no one to wake up with in the morning. no one there. In a way i wish i could be there. but i can't deal with myself at the moment and am highly likely to make things 100% worse. How's she going to be if he does die now. hows she going to cope being on her own?. in all honesty i thought she'd go before him. She's been ill off and on for a long time. she has so many medical problems, Grandad's been pretty much ok until the bowel cancer.
can't someone find me a time machine? reverse back to 5 years ago and stop there, forever. No i wasn't well at 18, my life wasn't perfect, but it was better than this. This past week, all i've done at home at night is cry. I've been feeling really crap. But after finding out about grandad, i dunno how i feel, but i don't think i could feel any worse. I don't want him to suffer anymore, but's it's a horrible thing to think, i know the only way for him not to suffer would be for him to go, but he's so loved by everyone, everyone wants him to make a miraculous discovery and be ok, but in all reality, thats never going to happen, and my god do i know it.
I just wish i could be there, at his bedside, just to let him know how much i really love him. How much he means to me, and how much i remember about when he used to take me out.
I hate the fact that i feel crappy because i could lose him, not because everyone else is too. I am so selfish.
I'm scared. The last time he had an op was when they removed the cancerous mass of bowel. that nearlly killed him, and he was in much better shape then. I've known for a long time that it's only 25% chance that he'll survive this, but now, this op's a new thing. he's signed the forms and everything. Most of my happy memories as a child contan him. he's MY grandad. The man that fed my interest in graveyards by taking me to the holy ghost. the man whose pint of beer i used to swig out of when we were at the pub, i always thought he wasn't watching. he was.
I keep thinking about nan alone in the bungalow. without her husband next to her. all alone at night, no one to snore at her. no one to wake up with in the morning. no one there. In a way i wish i could be there. but i can't deal with myself at the moment and am highly likely to make things 100% worse. How's she going to be if he does die now. hows she going to cope being on her own?. in all honesty i thought she'd go before him. She's been ill off and on for a long time. she has so many medical problems, Grandad's been pretty much ok until the bowel cancer.
can't someone find me a time machine? reverse back to 5 years ago and stop there, forever. No i wasn't well at 18, my life wasn't perfect, but it was better than this. This past week, all i've done at home at night is cry. I've been feeling really crap. But after finding out about grandad, i dunno how i feel, but i don't think i could feel any worse. I don't want him to suffer anymore, but's it's a horrible thing to think, i know the only way for him not to suffer would be for him to go, but he's so loved by everyone, everyone wants him to make a miraculous discovery and be ok, but in all reality, thats never going to happen, and my god do i know it.
I just wish i could be there, at his bedside, just to let him know how much i really love him. How much he means to me, and how much i remember about when he used to take me out.
I hate the fact that i feel crappy because i could lose him, not because everyone else is too. I am so selfish.
distressed