Nails For Beakfast And Tacks For Snacks

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 20:15:47 GMT

It's been nearlly a year since Jen died, it's been weighing me down. not a day in the past year has gone by when i didn't think about her, for a while she was in my head, tormenting, not like the real Jen would. my thoughts and fears manifested in my pain and i heard her voice, clouding my memory of her.
Still a tear on and things start to get a little more painful. so a friend recommended that i write her a letter. so here it is.

Dearest Jenny,
So, in about a month it's the anniversary of your death. For pretty much the last 6 months the plan was to join you on the 30th April, but then things pick up a little.

So much has happened, but not much has changed, if that makes sense.
After you died I felt like nothing was real. It all felt real at the funeral from the second I saw your coffin and realised you were in that wodden box, soon to go up in flames. thats when the meltdown began (no pun intended).
I cried and cried at your funeral. for days I'd go to the toilet, to another room, in the graveyard, anywhere i could be alone because being with anyone was too painful and all I wanted to do was break down, But I knew you wouldn't want that. Yet I cried myself to sleep for weeks.

Ar first my dreams were insgnificant yet strange, then you entered my dreams, the one i remember most was one where you were in the middle of a field of golden corn, dressed in white, surrounded by babies and children, the smile on your face was heartwarming. You looked happy. You said to me 'don't worry about me, I'm safe, i'm happy and i'm free. I love you and I'm sorry'.

I woke up crying, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't stop crying. it was like the pain was getting worse. I felt awful, That was when i realised that you were never coming back, and that was hard to deal with. i guess that's the real point i started grieving.

I carried on with life, and in time, things got easier. you've never ever left my thoughts.

I became an aunty in September, to the most beautiful and perfect little boy, when things are particularly bad i think of his smile and his laugh. sometimes it makes me feel guilty because i have so much that others don't have, yet i still feel like going to sleep and never waking up. joining you. people I know don't want me to, but it may happen. one day, and no one will know about it.

My Grandad passed away in December. his funeral was on the Friday before Christmas. Again i cried. It broke my heart, but I know he's safe, and no longer in pain. I just wish I'd told him how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. Like you, he had a huge impact on my life. I did things i'd never have done if he hadn't been there. I had fun with him, i respected him, and I miss him. More than words can say.

I moved just before christmas aswell. That made me miss you more, leaving my old flat behind, leaving the space that you occupied along with me from time to time, but the memories will never fade.

Bonfire night last year was hard. i stayed at home and lit a candle for you. the memories tore me apart, but I felt much more at peace the day after, almost like someone had lifted off another brick from the pile on top of me.

I'll never forget you. everyday something happens and you spring to mind. A flower, a smell, an outfit, a tree, and every now and then i'll be walking through town and freeze because i see the back of someone, and from the back it looks just like you, and I so wish that when they turn round they'd be you, that the whole thing was a sick joke, but that never happens.

I was never mad at you when you were alive, and I've not been angry with you since you've died. I still have trouble getting my head round it. I wonder how you looked hanging there, what you were thinking beforehand, what you'd done in your last days, The inquest said that it was 'out of charecter' for you to commit suicide, but then again, a lot of families and friends who have lost someone to suicde say that the persons suicide was out of charecter for them.

I lost all faith in humanity when you died, though my friends supported me to no end, listening to me go on and on about things. still, it wasn't enough, and sometimes it still isn't.
I've found life doesn't necessarliy get easier, it gets different. it changes. people change. I change, for good or for bad i never know.

I often wonder how things would be if you were alive, but I'm starting to give up on wishing anything again.
I don't cry much again these days. if i do it's at home, in silence. I rarely let people know just how i'm feeling, if i do, it tends to be written down and my online friends read it, they seem to understand me like you did. knowing that sometimes there is no reason.

There are no more words to describe just how I still grieve for you. People think i'm 'over it' they know nothing. it still hurts. I know it'll never happen but I still want you back.

I love you jen. i always will.
Your friend,
Jack

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 20:40:59 GMT

got to sleep at 5am, woke up at 2pm. decided there was really no point in going anywhere so did bugger all. Mum droppd dad's old vacuum cleaner which is like nearlly 20 years old and is a damn sight better than my year or two old one.

So, i opened the windows to air the place through, the smell of stale cigarettes was getting bad.
I shake and vac'd the carpets throughout and got to work with the vacuum cleaner, must say, carpet looks 100% better.
Closed said windows, lit some glad scented oils in my bedroom while running a bath.

Made bed and had said bth.

wow i'm boring.

tomorrow fiona's coming round at 9:30am. eeeek. so ye, shit i have to get haul my arse out of bed. which means setting 4 alarms to wake me up.

DLA goes in tomorrow. might pop into woolies and see what they've got homeware wise.

i'm going to bed at 10 swalling 3 zopiclones before hand. unlesss i can find some zolpidem instead.
out of valium. bleh

head hurts, arms are healing, feeling sick. great
to top that off i have a really painful spot come up near my mouth. it fucking hurts and just looks a little red, but IT'S FREAKING HUGE!!!, and also hasn't got to the squeezable stage as yet.

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 14:21:41 GMT

Meet Oliver

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 21:50:19 GMT

didn't get to sleep until 4am when i finally gave in and took zopiclone. i was so not tired, but decided to prevent the meltdown rather than going on today with no sleep.

I walked into the bus station then got the bus to vyne road. i am so fucking lazy it's unbelievable.

Vyne road was pretty cool. For the first time in ages i didn't manage to depress anyone.
started off by doing an inventory of the art room to help prevent the thieving little mits that plague us at present.

got into a long meaningful discussion/debate about the service changes. i like challenging the staff. especially Suraj as he always trys to jump to the bigwigs defence. never very successfully mind you. but bless him for trying.
Went into hyper mode, went on a minor shopping spree on the way home totalled off with a drink in Lloyds bar with Elaine. it'd be rude not to, expecially seeing as it's on the way home.

The past 3 days have been surprisingly good, well i've felt good so that makes everything look all shiny happy style.

this afternoon/evening is all a bit of a blur, like it was someone else doing it and not me.

tomorrow i may or may not get another hamster. if i do it'll probably be male and may end up being called cederick or wilbur. not sure tho.

and this song always cheers me up.

PUBLIC POST!!!!!

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 21:17:15 GMT

Hmm, so, today. went to vyne Road. it was...interesting. unit meeting was very productive and a lot of stuff that needed to be said was. go Elaine!!!

Went to Area 51 and got a smaller tongue bar, Elaine put it in for me because i was too scared to do it incase i fucked it up. lol. i really am a wimp!!

Went to Lloyds bar for a drink. then came home.

Tried to make waffles but fucked up. tried to make pancakes and set the smoke alarm off. so settled for cheese rolls and pop tarts.

Hamsters still going. I got her out this morning. she sprayed me. stinky. and she was bright eyed and eating so we didn't go to the vets. I'm just going to have to keep and eye on her i think.

bah. the good feeling of the past 2 days is starting to vanish.

toodles xxx

Woooooo, public post !!!

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 22:47:47 GMT

I've just found someone from my year group at Fort Hill, I wouldn't say we were friends, but we certainly weren't enemy's.

It got me thinking about school and how much I fucked that one up. By the time i got to year 11 i was too ill to give a damn about failing. Now I look back i wish someone would have shaken some sense into me. Looking back there's so so many things i could have handled differently, done better etc. Thanks to the bullies by the time i was 13 my confidence and self esteem were zero.

I fucked my life up big time. i so wish i could go back to being 11 again and do it all differently. I guess the only good things that came out of school were the friends i made and the lessons in life i learned.

god i'm tragic tonight 0_0

Le tongue is loads better. when i can find my digi cam i'll post a pic.

I've been a very depressing negative and pessimistic mood today, thus managing to piss everyone off by just breathing.

Tomorrow we're bubble painting in the art group, so need to get up there when i get to Vyne Road and prepare it all. The last time i did bubble painting was 20 years ago when i was 4 years old and at nursery school. this could prove to be somewhat messy.

my website badly needs a revamp. so does my myspace.com profile.

Is it so wrong not to want things like smear tests? i know that they test for cervical cancer and stuff, but i don't want it. i got my 12th reminder today. I know it'd be a good idea to go, but the thought of having it done freaks me out. I've had one and that freaked me out to no end.

ANYWAYS
enough of my endless whining.

toodles
xxx

Will Young - All Time Love

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 21:43:51 GMT

I'm not very keen on Will Young, BUT...This song is too beautiful to ignore.

"All Time Love"

Sometimes you walk by the good ones
'Cos you're trying to hard, too hard to see them
And sometimes you don't find the right lines
'Cos you're trying too hard, too hard to hear them
But you know what it feels like
'Cos you're like me
And you won't give up
'Till an all time love
'Cos nothing else is good enough
I want an all time love to find me

Some days you're too set in your ways
And you forget to shut up, shut up and listen
And some days you just have to misplace all your mistakes
Somewhere that you won't miss them
So stop lying that you're fine
'Cos you're like me
And you can't give up

'Till an all time love
'Cos nothing else is good enough
I want an all time love to find me

I don't believe that it's a failing
I don't believe that it's a fault
'Cos if everything were plain sailing
Oh tell me what would there be left to exalt

But an all time love
'Cos nothing else is good enough
I want an all time love to find me
I want an all time love
'Cos nothing else is good enough
I want an all time love to find me

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 23:39:11 GMT

xmas day has proven to be fruitful for me.

I got -

A new toolbox from my Dad
A sheep soap set from Mum
3 new pairs of toe socks from Mum
A chocolate fondue set from Suzanne
A book light from Wendy
A HMV giftcard from Merv (no idea how much is on there)
A new alarm clock from Elaine (aswell as the piece of metal through my lip)
A huge Tigger mug from Betty
My Kenwood Frothie from Steph and Lou

Everyone seemed really happy with what they got. it's been quite a good day actually. i've been entertaining Jake for most of the day which is always good. I love that little boy so much I think i' be lost without him.

going home on Weds. as muh as I love my dad, i hate being away from home and can't wait to get back to my flat.

I finished Rachels scarf. just need to find some cerise either Eskimo or Funky fur for the tassles. I've eaten way too much today. and right now i'm feeling the need to listen to Shirley Manson belting out Trip My Wire.

Toodles all

xxx

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 21:35:35 GMT

today's been productive.
I'm now a patient rep for the service reviews and changes and all. joy. what have i gotten myself into :s
went to vyne road today, sorted out the cupboard in the art room. which was interesting. I also succeeded in getting glitter everywhere, even in my hair :/

New SOAD album fucking rocks. I got it off BitTorret last night. fucking rocks.

Elaines going to pay for me to get my lip pierced :D
wicked cool.

Bridge centre tomorrow. Vyne road thursday making te tubes for the crackers. we can't use bog roll tubes due to health and hygiene. lol. soo they were endangering us at infant school. i never got ill.

there is more but my mind has gone blank. blah.

Not sure I like Lacuna Coil. to much like evanescence

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 23:54:17 GMT

went to asda today with Suzanne spent nearlly £60
got healthy stuff like...ummmm... a pomegranite. got practical things like washing powder and calgon tho. and books. i've never managed to go to Asda and not come home with at least 1 book
other than that, today was fairly uneventful.
last night, however, i got in a temper with my uncooperative tempramental printer and ripped att the leads out the back and threw it on the floor.......
.....It now works ;)

my brain hurts today.

I finished a random brightly coloured dreamcatcher using scoubi strings instead of thonging and not using feathers, just pony Beads. I'm not sure if i like it though. prolly just because it's different.

gotta get up early and get to vyne road for the art group. i think a taxi would be a better suggestion than the bus tomorrow as my nerves are feeling a little frayed today because i'm tired. really tired but unable to sleep. i think saturday will be lay in day.

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 01:22:09 GMT

okies. so the 8am wake up and get up thing didn't work. so i got up at 9 instead. I had hiccups when i woke up. how fucking annoying are hiccups?. Then got the bus to the bus station. i thought bus station because they have a cashpoint. WRONG the last 3 times i've gone to use it the fuckers out of order. so i had to go into festival place to use the one near debenhams. then back to the bus station, i was annoyed, this was solved by playing Black Sabbath and System Of A Down very very loudly on my iPod so i could hear no one.

vyne road was...interesting. we had some woman from PALS come and speak to us. which was fairly fruitful.

Had a surprise trip to Pack Lane Woolshop courtesy of Geoff. bless him. he's a true star.

Went to mums where i sat and vegetated. successfully fucked up Penny's dreamcatcher because i'm a moron like that, Francis wants me to make her a pink and green one. at first i was like 'wtf, pink and green?!?!?!?!?!?!' but now i've started it, it doesn't look that bad.

I was sorting feathers out earlier anf successfully got marabou fluff up my nose. I was NOT impressed.

Packed up my stereo tonight. joy. wow, the speakers looked like they'd been in a dust factory. hehehe. But now i'm actually starting to feel drowsy so it's beddybyes time.
Toddles xxx

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 01:10:25 GMT

Been feeling really ok lately. scary stuff!!!!!
Also been thinking maybe it's time to make some public posts here seeing as my website links here, no point linking somewhere if there's nothing to see like.

Today i was a lazy baggage. didn't get up until about 10:30 am. didn't get dressed until about 1pm-ish. also decided on doing the washing up which had been sat there so long it was starting to smell. ick. I can get so incredibly lazy when i get depressed it's unsanitary.

tomorrow i WILL get up early. haha. Planning on getting up at 8 and being in the bus station before 9, so i have time for a subway and then catch the 9:30 up to vyne road, lazy bitch i am and all. no, seriouseky, this cold air does my chest no justice. I get really wheezy and i feel my lungs contracting type thing. ha. i'm also lazy too. ye ye i know, conquer the laziness and the wheeziness will go.

ANWYAYS. unit meeting at vyne road tomorrow. just finished Elaine's dreamcatcher. I bound the ring with Black Rexlace, which was actually quite difficult seeing as it was flat rexlace and it needed to be flat on the ring and it kept twisting. anyways, it looks good, i'm proud of it ;)

I've got 2 normal boxes and my 3 underbed boxes ready for Steph to take over the garage like the fantastic gooner she is ;)
Mum's coming over weds and we're going to get more packed. wow. my flat is looking better by the day. the emptier it is, the better it looks. I now see why people like to be 'minimal'

Anyways. i've babbled for too long. hehehe, public post^_^ rah. love this song. it's so upbeat.
Night xxx

Sat, 05 Nov 2005 21:25:23 GMT

Went over to the garage in Mendip close with mum today where we sorted it out, actually more like she moved loads and i kinda stood there trying to help but managing to get in the way. i'm so awkward 90% of the time. ANYWAYS, mum found and gave me loads of Anchor Pearle Cotton which is what i've been using for dreamcatchers because it doesn't split and looks consistant. so yay. money saver mum.

Steph appeared and what mum couldn't do, she did. Then we came back here where Steph, bless her, got all 10 full boxes from here and struggles with the sack truck down the stairs, got them in the car, we went back to the garage where she took them out of the car and put them into the garage. :) Love her to bits. must get her some fags or something. Mum then took me to Morrisons where i got cheese tear and share. very bad for your waistline, but very good for your tastebuds.

Then came home, had a bit of a sort out, packed another box. am just about to go on a cd burning spree. need to make space on my computer. it's running really slowly.

oooo, and, the huighlight of the week was a bloke fitting me a new electricity metre, one that actually has a light that works, and it beeps to let you know it's credited the metre when you put the key in, also got a new key. i'm very pathetically sad enough to be excited about a new electric metre. ya never know, one day i may even get a life, but i wouldn't count on it :s

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 01:58:10 GMT

ok, So here's the deal. Grandad's having neurosurgery, they'll be taking a bit of bone, attatching it as a shield between the bulk of the tumour and his spine to take the pressure off various nerves which aren't working because if the size of the tumour. i.e. the ability to use his legs, and the fact he's become incontinent.

I'm scared. The last time he had an op was when they removed the cancerous mass of bowel. that nearlly killed him, and he was in much better shape then. I've known for a long time that it's only 25% chance that he'll survive this, but now, this op's a new thing. he's signed the forms and everything. Most of my happy memories as a child contan him. he's MY grandad. The man that fed my interest in graveyards by taking me to the holy ghost. the man whose pint of beer i used to swig out of when we were at the pub, i always thought he wasn't watching. he was.

I keep thinking about nan alone in the bungalow. without her husband next to her. all alone at night, no one to snore at her. no one to wake up with in the morning. no one there. In a way i wish i could be there. but i can't deal with myself at the moment and am highly likely to make things 100% worse. How's she going to be if he does die now. hows she going to cope being on her own?. in all honesty i thought she'd go before him. She's been ill off and on for a long time. she has so many medical problems, Grandad's been pretty much ok until the bowel cancer.

can't someone find me a time machine? reverse back to 5 years ago and stop there, forever. No i wasn't well at 18, my life wasn't perfect, but it was better than this. This past week, all i've done at home at night is cry. I've been feeling really crap. But after finding out about grandad, i dunno how i feel, but i don't think i could feel any worse. I don't want him to suffer anymore, but's it's a horrible thing to think, i know the only way for him not to suffer would be for him to go, but he's so loved by everyone, everyone wants him to make a miraculous discovery and be ok, but in all reality, thats never going to happen, and my god do i know it.

I just wish i could be there, at his bedside, just to let him know how much i really love him. How much he means to me, and how much i remember about when he used to take me out.

I hate the fact that i feel crappy because i could lose him, not because everyone else is too. I am so selfish.

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 21:13:27 GMT

Friends Cut
The following journals have been cut because either
a)You never update
b)We don't really have much in common anymore
c)You've got a different LJ and this is your old one.

_______love__me
__trouble
_candycxnt
_fairy_dust
_unforgiven
_xbabyxduckiex_
aargauerin
am___________pm
beautiful_fall
bigcrazydork
bleedmylifeaway
borrowedwing
bradhadair3
djsidian
kayrainbow
keepmeasercet
kg85
lil_baby_nothin
lovewondered
macenziewolf
majasonfire
nlm32
nothing_inside
orchardlye
psych0b1tch
scumpuppy
silvertear19
sparklingjuice
stopthevomit
sw___itchblade
tender_star
x__mindfck
xbriteeyesx
xeroticxgurliex

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 17:25:09 GMT

Days old. right before i changed his nappy and he pissed everywhere before i got the clean one on. that kid is a charector. i saw him with his eyes open yesterday, he doesn't do it much, but he was just looking around for ages. his eyes are, i dunno what colour. they're really dark, but apparently all babies have dark eyes to start with *shrugs*. He really is my main focus at the moment. don't get me wrong, i love my family and freinds to bits, but sometimes it just doesn't seem to be enough to keep me on the right track. but Jake is.

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 12:56:13 GMT

Soundgarden - The Day I Tried To Live
I woke the same as any other day
Except a voice was in my head
It said seize the day, pull the trigger,
Drop the blade
And watch the rolling heads

The day I tried to live
I stole a thousand beggar's change
And gave it to the rich

The day I tried to win
I dangled from the power lines
And let the martyrs stretch
Singing

One more time around
Might do it
One more time around
Might make it
One more time around
Might do it
One more time around
The day I tried to live

Words you say never seem
To live up to the ones
Inside your head
The lives we make
Never seem to ever get us anywhere
But dead

The day I tried to live
I wallowed in the blood and mud with
All the other pigs

I woke the same as any other day you know
I should have stayed in bed

The day I tried to win
I wallowed in the blood and mud with
All the other pigs

And I learned that I was a liar
Just like you

friends cut

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 20:42:09 GMT

Friends Only

Sat, 28 May 2005 09:08:16 GMT

You Were Actually Born Under:

You are totally loyal, faithful, and honest.
However, you don't trust others to be as ethical as you are!
Straight forward and direct, you really aren't one for small talk.
You are a great listener - and an agreeable companion when you're in a good mood!

You are most compatible with a Tiger or Horse.

You Should Have Been Born Under:

Your most comfortable inside your head - and often daydream the day away.
You have an artistic temperament that makes you seem creative to some, eccentric to others.
You avoid conflict at all costs, and you have a difficult time with relationships.
Attractive and with good manners, you tend to shine in social situations.

You are most compatible with a Pig or Rabbit.

What Year Were You Born Under?

Thu, 26 May 2005 22:17:08 GMT

has anyone here managed to dye there hair by themselves at home and not managed to get it everywhere aswell as your head?

Thu, 26 May 2005 22:10:06 GMT

well. theres nothing better to the feel of freshly immac-ed legs :)
um. not much more to say really. i'm alive. feeling ok. didn't get to sleep until late last night/early this morning.
i went food shopping. i looked in my cupboards this morning and it was all out of date. oopsi.

Thu, 26 May 2005 10:46:34 GMT

What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
Username
Favourite Colour
Sex
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Wed, 25 May 2005 19:35:47 GMT

Charlie

don't be fooled by how sweet he looks, he's a little shit at heart

Tue, 24 May 2005 01:02:19 GMT

oh balls. one of my items was pulled from ebay. one of mums videos. the email said it contains 'graphic material'. i've never watched 'Caligula'. how the fuck do i know what it's about ?!?!?!?!?. oh well. shit happens.
it's 2am, and i can't be bothered to go to bed, just like i couldn't be bothered to get up earlier. O_O

Mon, 23 May 2005 23:09:17 GMT

woohoo, i found 2 more sites with pictures of the inside of the buildings of park prewett. this pleases me, my god i'm sad :s